breast cancer · mastectomy

At Sixes and Sevens

Tomorrow is my double exchange surgery.  One thousand, one hundred and thirty three days after my first mastectomy. Finally.

Tomorrow has the weight of three years of expectation behind it.

I’m at sixes and sevens.  Not sure how to feel, not sure what to expect.

Im scared. I’m scarred. My mind is scattered.

How will I look when I wake?   Will I have surgical drains?  How long till I can drive a car?   I forgot all the details.

How long till I can hug my kids and my husband properly. Like one of those hugs where you squeeze so tight and don’t let go. Where it feels like two people might just possibly melt into one.

Will I be able to move forward from this breast cancer world I’ve been immersed in for three years and two months?

What would happen if I give myself permission to let go of this whole journey and try and forget about all this?

This will be surgery number five.  It won’t be the last if I want to correct my disfigured breasts and nipples. What will come of the sixth?  Will there be a seventh?

I’m a physical and mental mess today.  See you on the other side of it.

“Off my chest” Acrylic on canvas.  40 x 30cm




10 thoughts on “At Sixes and Sevens

  1. I love the painting sooo much. Makes me think I would love one of mine after breast cancer…’.one hung much lower ‘ is my new look but I am proud of them. I wonder how may other women would too.


  2. I hope all goes well. 1000 plus days is a ridiculous number of days to be living with so much uncertainty. No wonder you are nervous. In time you will be able to give better hugs. Expanders are not designed for long-term use and it’s obvious.


  3. It is a travesty that you have had to wait so long for exchange. After all you’ve been through this will be straight forward. I found the implants heavier than expected, but so much softer and more comfortable than the expanders. Even now, it’s strange turning over in bed and feeling them move around. All the best tomorrow and with moving forward xx


  4. Good luck lovely lady. All the strength in the world.
    I’m sorry in this day and age that you had to wait so very long. It’s a travesty.
    Much love to all of you.
    Thinking of you.


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