Tomorrow is my double exchange surgery. One thousand, one hundred and thirty three days after my first mastectomy. Finally.
Tomorrow has the weight of three years of expectation behind it.
I’m at sixes and sevens. Not sure how to feel, not sure what to expect.
Im scared. I’m scarred. My mind is scattered.
How will I look when I wake? Will I have surgical drains? How long till I can drive a car? I forgot all the details.
How long till I can hug my kids and my husband properly. Like one of those hugs where you squeeze so tight and don’t let go. Where it feels like two people might just possibly melt into one.
Will I be able to move forward from this breast cancer world I’ve been immersed in for three years and two months?
What would happen if I give myself permission to let go of this whole journey and try and forget about all this?
This will be surgery number five. It won’t be the last if I want to correct my disfigured breasts and nipples. What will come of the sixth? Will there be a seventh?
I’m a physical and mental mess today. See you on the other side of it.
Life has been rolling along recently with loads of travel, with celebrations and lots of love. I was shortlisted for the Mamamia Writers Comp, which was some lovely validation for the writing of this blog. I also received an “Australian of The Year” nomination. Which despite making me laugh for weeks also left me secretly chuffed.
I seem to be relishing life at the moment.
As I approach the three year mark since I found my grade three lump in my left breast, the colour is FINALLY returning to my life, despite living with the ongoing side effects (hairloss, menopause, brittle painful bones, digestive issues, lung scarring, medication side effects, continued weight gain) from treatment for early breast cancer, I’m finally emerging from the sinkhole. This despite not even being finished with surgeries yet, as I’m still on a public waiting for reconstruction.
It’s taken some woop arsed counselling sessions, some anti-depressants, and the immersion of myself in the things I used to love to do when I was a teenager. I bought a ukulele in Hawaii and I’m enjoying learning some basic chords and having a sing along. Painting has been such a feature of the last few months. Commissions are coming in thick and fast so I’m finally ready to set up a business.
Here’s a grab of the stages of my latest painting.
I’m no longer thinking about if the cancer comes back. I’m no longer worried about death. I’ve reached the point of que sera sera … the future’s not ours to see, and all that. So thanks Doris Day and thanks cancer for reconnecting me with my creative side which I lost for 26 years.
Marina’s original photograph which she entered in the AIPPA can be accessed here.
Anyone who wants to follow me on Instagram can find me at lisamcdermidfineart.