That Time I Got Real Classy

There comes a time in a woman’s life when it might be time to say goodbye to skinny jeans. Trouble is, I’m not sure what to move on to. Tracksuit pants, long skirts, a muumuu? Your suggestions are most welcome.

20kg’s of post cancery treatment goodness has resulted in me jumping around my bathroom trying to wriggle skinny denim up over my thighs and butt.  Maybe I could start a new craze? Compression denim or leggings that look like jeans. Um… no, just no!

This climb into muffin top city all began with steroids through chemo. The scales jumped up 8kgs within a matter of months. Then with Tamoxifen came another 8kgs. Then Zolodex put me into menopause and began my foray into tuck shop lady arms. Throw into the equation, an 80 percent reduction in pre treatment exercise from all of the pains and strains I’ve had since breast cancer treatment, the mutant ovaries, bone pain. Oh and cheese and, and, and donuts.  (Note to self: don’t forget to pick up those lemon curd donuts from one of our cities finest pastry chefs).

Now the scales in our bathroom just shout “Computer says no!”

It’s really hard to believe I was fitter and healthier at the conclusion of my year of treatment. Hell I even did a sprint distance triathlon.

The recent months have been great though. There have been interstate trips with girlfriends and catching up with dear friends in the big smoke along with much calmer times at home.The pelvis was completely sorted with surgery and Zolodex. The mental health is much improved thanks to an anti-D which has miraculously lifted me out of the misery I was hurling at myself and my family. The crazed menopausal rants, the crying over burnt toast, gone.  The feeling of being overwhelmed by everything in life. The creeping thoughts that I was a burden on my family and they perhaps would be better off without me. Totally irrational. And thankfully all gone.  Just like turning off a tap. Depression is such an asshole but with treatment it’s great to finally feel like myself again.

And yet here I am, grappling with the ridiculous dilemma of moving on from skinny jeans. Wriggling, jumping, bending in ways I shouldn’t. Getting dressed should NEVER be this hard. So hard, that I hurt my back pulling these suckers up.

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Since I’m not a doctor I can’t tell you anything about this x’ray of my neck.

Even before that event, I have been having escalating spinal and shoulder pain in the last month. It’s been waking me at night and getting worse.  At night I shift in bed about 300 times, the strongest analgesics I had in the cupboard were not helping. There has been explosive migraines. The classy contortionist effort to get dressed a week ago did not help, the neck and spinal pain worsened.  I could not sleep AT ALL.

Friday night saw me shuffle into the hospital emergency department in my pyjamas. Classy.  It saw me lay on the cold floor in emergency because I could not bare the pain of sitting. Classy.  It saw me fill two vomit bags which a distressed Mr Cool carried round with him for a good while. Classy. That excruciating, motherfucking pain was worse than natural childbirth. At least you get the joy of baby at the end of that.

After being assessed, I left with a bucket load of narcotics and thanked Buddha they actually work, provided I keep up the schedule. My bed side table resembles the collection of a drug addict.  Totally classy.

Something is responsible for the pinched nerves in my neck. This could be my joints crying out for oestrogen. Or it could be disc degeneration, impinged nerves, or many other things.

So today I’m off for a CT scan to see about these pinched nerves in my neck or something more sinister….. more sinister……… more sinister.

Sorry, that was just the echo from my ‘highly traumatised by cancer’ subconscious.

P.S.  Mr Cool got a spot in the Hawaii Ironman Triathlon World Championships in October and we are all so thrilled for him!   A lifelong dream is finally coming to fruition.   Better get shopping for some bright muumuus as George Costanza is doing Hawaii. Woop Woop!

w140s-un-coral w140s-tr-beige w140s-un-blue

Muumuu heaven.


5 Comments on “That Time I Got Real Classy”

  1. Lise, you can and should still wear skinny jeans! I’m a size 16 and wear them all the time, you just need ones with a higher waist (not high-waisted, we’re not talking mom jeans here!). Sportscraft do some good ones – try the Simone or the Thea style. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, and of course can totally relate to the horrible echoing thoughts of your subconscious. They suck.

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  2. Amanda Baker says:

    I here you and send my love. It sometimes feels like we have jumped from 30 something to 50 something in one hit,but when we do get to be old we will have had plenty of practice. Guess what you can buy compression jeans in Millers. But who cares. Jeans are overrated. Comfy black pants, long and short skirts, and dresses can be far more stylish anyway. And i only wear my muu muu at home on hot days…a onsies for these cold ones. You are pretty no matter what you wear…love you lots.

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  3. Oh sweetie, it is so cruel to deal with so many changes in so little time. Oh yeah, not to mention that none of the changes were welcome. Also, you have little kids. Little kids alone are enough to find yourself in a state of weight gain. Seriously. I know you are happy for Mr. Cool. My Mr. Cool is a good looking man who is a bit thick waisted. I have a feeling that being married to an ultra fit man could be a bit intimidating. I am the incredible shrinking/gaining woman myself since age 13. The constant transformation stinks. You have incredibly good reasons. Women are not supposed to go through menopause in their thirties for goodness sakes! Also, did I mention the little kids?

    Lisey, I am so glad that you are getting help. Anti-D’s are the bomb. I’ve been taking them for years. Good for you! Fight for you!

    Xoxoxo,

    Elizabeth

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  4. Carrie says:

    Thank you for writing about this. I’m going to have to read more of your blog. You made me laugh a lot. But I’m mostly thankful because my new oncologist just recommended that I start on Zoladex and I’m trying to decide if it’s the right thing to do and if it’s worth the side effects. Thoughts? Thank you for sharing your experience.

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  5. Steph says:

    Thinking of you Lisey. Please keep us posted! xo

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